SNAKE GUY
A sketch by Sam Bertken
About some freakshow
CAST
MARIAN – Chick
LAWRENCE – Snake guy
WAITER – C’mon. Really?
A fucking explanation of who this character is? You’re the actor, you fucking figure it out.
TRACY – Actively eats table
scraps.
SETTING
A RESTAURANT, FOR FUCK’S
SAKE.
TIME
After your bedtime, cutie.
(In the restaurant. MARIAN is sitting at a table with one candle
lit and the lights are all sexy-low. The
chair opposite her is empty, but there’s a jacket on it.)
(TRACY’S voice comes over the speakers
as MARIAN sits, getting progressively more uncomfortable as the monologue goes
on It could be her inner monologue.)
TRACY
Mmmmm is that some chocolate
fondue at the table next to ours? Oh my
God I should get that it looks so good.
I wonder if they do that thing here where they have the cake on fire
when it comes out. Maybe I’ll get
Lawrence to order me some when he gets here.
Unless it’s pricey. That wouldn’t
be a good idea on the first date, no. No
no way. What if I just casually
mentioned that it, like, looked good, or something? Or like, asked if he’s ever had it, because maybe he has and then If it is expensive and he doesn’t even bat
an eye than he’s probably doing pretty well for himself—WHAT THE HELL AM I
SAYING. I’m just sitting here wondering
what the correct decorum would be for some stupid date and worrying about the
guy’s wallet for fuck’s sake. What the
hell kind of woman am I? I can buy my own goddamn cake if I want to, just
fucking indulge. Who cares if this
skimpy thing pops? Who cares if the
zipper breaks? I’ll just tear it all off
and run through the streets of the city, until I reach the boondocks and then
finally the rural plains of America, embracing the amber waves of grain and
ascending the purple mountains, crying from the mountaintop “AMERICA IS
MINE. I AM AN AMERICAN WOMAN AND THIS
LAND IS MINE.” And then I’ll roar to the
heavens and bear down upon Lawrence’s neutered corpse and ravage him in a
primal, powerful gesture of—
MARIAN has pulled up the tablecloth to
reveal TRACY talking into a microphone.
MARIAN
Tracy, shut up. I’m not getting the cake. Stop acting out because Colleen couldn’t
babysit you tonight. This date is
important. Don’t you like Lawrence?
TRACY looks abashed, hurt, and tears
down the tablecloth and is silent for the rest of the sketch.
LAWRENCE enters, zipping up his
fly. He’s excited.
LAWRENCE
Wow—WOW. The bathroom is crazy! It’s all black marble and white tiles—I feel
like I’m in postmodern Frank Lloyd Wright bathroom. The urinal cakes smelled like this rich blend
of coconut, cream and lavender. I—
Suddenly embarrassed.
LAWRENCE
Jeez, sorry. I sound like kind of weirdo!
MARIAN
Haha, no, no, it’s
fine! Urinal cakes are one of many
hobbies! (Laughs amazingly.)
LAWRENCE
….Really?
MARIAN
Oh—oh, uh, no, no, that was
a joke! I thought we were joking? Sorry, sometimes I just come off—
LAWRENCE
Gotcha! Oh man.
Oh maaaaaaaan. Gotcha. Gotchaaa.
MARIAN
Oh, haha! Ha. Oh
Christ, what if, right?
LAWRENCE
I mean, there are weirder hobbies out there.
MARIAN
Oh yeah?
LAWRENCE
Yeah…
MARIAN
I feel like I’m about to
learn some dark family secret or something!
Just kidding.
LAWRENCE
Ho ho, no, no. Nothing too weird. I just… I have this weird snake impression. I did it one time at this party in college—it
just came to me!—and everyone just loved it.
Maybe we were all drunk or something, I dunno. But I would do it all the time, even when we
were studying and it would be good for like, one laugh.
MARIAN
Show me!
LAWRENCE
Oh, jeez, no, no way! We’re in the middle of this restaurant! I couldn’t—
MARIAN
Just do it.
LAWRENCE launches into the
impression. He is very serious about
it. He basically just acts like a cobra
eyeing it’s prey, if you even know what that looks like. MARIAN probably isn’t delighted and her
smile gets a little forced. He flicks
his tongue. He talks with a lithp.
MARIAN
Haha… wow, I feel like I
should be charming you or something.
LAWRENCE
Thnakes cannot be
charmmmmed. That is a mythth.
MARIAN
Oh, jeez, you’re really into
this.
LAWRENCE
I am watching you with
intenthe curiothity. Prey? Predator?
MARIAN is starting to be at a
loss. Still smiling, head leaning against
one hand. It looks like she might say
something but she doesn’t.
LAWRENCE
Thurprithe
me.
MARIAN
Pardon?
LAWRENCE
Thurprithe
me.
MARIAN
I
don’t know how I would do that.
LAWRENCE
Jutht. Thurprithe me. Go on.
At the most awkward moment, MARIAN
makes the worst kind of surprise noise.
LAWRENCE rears back, hissing with his mouth open, looking furious.
MARIAN
Okay, okay, it’s good. Come on, I—
LAWRENCE arches over the table,
toppling it and going for MARIAN’s jugular.
She screams and they collapse behind the table, which falls over and reveals TRACY, still sitting with the microphone,
eating cake.
A beat.
LAWRENCE and MARIAN pop up, both
beaming. A WAITER comes in and helps
clean up the table as the two get up to sit again.
MARIAN
Wow you’re really good at
that!
END
ALTERNATIVE ENDING
MARIAN
Wow you're really good at that!
LAWRENCE
Yeah, my ex-girlfriend would
always ask me to do it when we—
Uh…
Everything gets icy cold.
MARIAN
Do you think I’m even
interested in that?
LAWRENCE
NO, I—aw, shit…
MARIAN
Why would you even bring
that up? Is this how you “woo”
girls? (There are air quotes there.)
LAWRENCE
It just slipped out! I wasn’t—
MARIAN
God, it’s… I can fucking imagine it. I can’t stop
imagining it.
END
