SNAKE GUY

-->

SNAKE GUY

A sketch by Sam Bertken

About some freakshow

CAST

MARIAN – Chick

LAWRENCE – Snake guy

WAITER – C’mon.  Really?  A fucking explanation of who this character is?  You’re the actor, you fucking figure it out.

TRACY – Actively eats table scraps.

SETTING

A RESTAURANT, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

TIME

After your bedtime, cutie.

(In the restaurant.  MARIAN is sitting at a table with one candle lit and the lights are all sexy-low.  The chair opposite her is empty, but there’s a jacket on it.)

(TRACY’S voice comes over the speakers as MARIAN sits, getting progressively more uncomfortable as the monologue goes on  It could be her inner monologue.)

TRACY

Mmmmm is that some chocolate fondue at the table next to ours?  Oh my God I should get that it looks so good.  I wonder if they do that thing here where they have the cake on fire when it comes out.  Maybe I’ll get Lawrence to order me some when he gets here.  Unless it’s pricey.  That wouldn’t be a good idea on the first date, no.  No no way.  What if I just casually mentioned that it, like, looked good, or something?  Or like, asked if he’s ever had it, because maybe he has and then   If it is expensive and he doesn’t even bat an eye than he’s probably doing pretty well for himself—WHAT THE HELL AM I SAYING.  I’m just sitting here wondering what the correct decorum would be for some stupid date and worrying about the guy’s wallet for fuck’s sake.  What the hell kind of woman am I?  I can buy my own goddamn cake if I want to, just fucking indulge.  Who cares if this skimpy thing pops?  Who cares if the zipper breaks?  I’ll just tear it all off and run through the streets of the city, until I reach the boondocks and then finally the rural plains of America, embracing the amber waves of grain and ascending the purple mountains, crying from the mountaintop “AMERICA IS MINE.  I AM AN AMERICAN WOMAN AND THIS LAND IS MINE.”  And then I’ll roar to the heavens and bear down upon Lawrence’s neutered corpse and ravage him in a primal, powerful gesture of—

MARIAN has pulled up the tablecloth to reveal TRACY talking into a microphone.

MARIAN

Tracy, shut up.  I’m not getting the cake.  Stop acting out because Colleen couldn’t babysit you tonight.  This date is important.  Don’t you like Lawrence?

TRACY looks abashed, hurt, and tears down the tablecloth and is silent for the rest of the sketch.

LAWRENCE enters, zipping up his fly.  He’s excited.

LAWRENCE

Wow—WOW.  The bathroom is crazy!  It’s all black marble and white tiles—I feel like I’m in postmodern Frank Lloyd Wright bathroom.  The urinal cakes smelled like this rich blend of coconut, cream and lavender.  I—

Suddenly embarrassed.

LAWRENCE

Jeez, sorry.  I sound like kind of weirdo!

MARIAN

Haha, no, no, it’s fine!  Urinal cakes are one of many hobbies!  (Laughs amazingly.)

LAWRENCE

….Really?

MARIAN

Oh—oh, uh, no, no, that was a joke!  I thought we were joking?  Sorry, sometimes I just come off—

LAWRENCE

Gotcha!  Oh man.  Oh maaaaaaaan.  Gotcha.  Gotchaaa.

MARIAN

Oh, haha!  Ha.  Oh Christ, what if, right?

LAWRENCE

I mean, there are weirder hobbies out there.

MARIAN

Oh yeah?

LAWRENCE

Yeah…

MARIAN

I feel like I’m about to learn some dark family secret or something!  Just kidding. 

LAWRENCE

Ho ho, no, no.  Nothing too weird.  I just… I have this weird snake impression.  I did it one time at this party in college—it just came to me!—and everyone just loved it.  Maybe we were all drunk or something, I dunno.  But I would do it all the time, even when we were studying and it would be good for like, one laugh. 

MARIAN

Show me!

LAWRENCE

Oh, jeez, no, no way!  We’re in the middle of this restaurant!  I couldn’t—

MARIAN

Just do it.

LAWRENCE launches into the impression.  He is very serious about it.  He basically just acts like a cobra eyeing it’s prey, if you even know what that looks like.   MARIAN probably isn’t delighted and her smile gets a little forced.  He flicks his tongue.  He talks with a lithp.

MARIAN

Haha… wow, I feel like I should be charming you or something.

LAWRENCE

Thnakes cannot be charmmmmed.  That is a mythth.

MARIAN

Oh, jeez, you’re really into this.

LAWRENCE

I am watching you with intenthe curiothity.  Prey?  Predator? 

MARIAN is starting to be at a loss.  Still smiling, head leaning against one hand.  It looks like she might say something but she doesn’t.

LAWRENCE

Thurprithe me.

MARIAN

Pardon?

LAWRENCE

Thurprithe me.

MARIAN

I don’t know how I would do that.

LAWRENCE

Jutht.  Thurprithe me.  Go on.

At the most awkward moment, MARIAN makes the worst kind of surprise noise.  LAWRENCE rears back, hissing with his mouth open, looking furious. 

MARIAN

Okay, okay, it’s good.  Come on, I—

LAWRENCE arches over the table, toppling it and going for MARIAN’s jugular.  She screams and they collapse behind the table, which falls over and reveals  TRACY, still sitting with the microphone, eating cake.

A beat.

LAWRENCE and MARIAN pop up, both beaming.  A WAITER comes in and helps clean up the table as the two get up to sit again.

MARIAN

Wow you’re really good at that!  

END

ALTERNATIVE ENDING

MARIAN

Wow you're really good at that! 

LAWRENCE

Yeah, my ex-girlfriend would always ask me to do it when we—

Uh…

Everything gets icy cold. 

MARIAN

Do you think I’m even interested in that?

LAWRENCE

NO, I—aw, shit…

MARIAN

Why would you even bring that up?  Is this how you “woo” girls?  (There are air quotes there.)

LAWRENCE

It just slipped out!  I wasn’t—

MARIAN

God, it’s… I can fucking imagine it.  I can’t stop imagining it.

END